Sharon Clement, Our Community Listens facilitator joins the podcast to tell us about the ‘onion slide’. She takes us through the different layers that make up our personality and provides many different suggestions to expand our choices on how to change our behavior.
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Adam Salgat:
Hello and welcome to the Our Community Listens Podcast. I’m Adam Salgat. And with me again today is Sharon Clement, an OCL professor. Today, Sharon and I are going to talk about the onion slide. So many of the alumni know what I’m talking about. It’s the slide where we teach you how to properly chop onions. Is that right, Sharon?
Sharon Clements:
No, that’s not it, Adam.
Adam Salgat:
Oh, that’s not right. So, what is the onion slide? Tell me a little bit more about it. I’m guessing it must smell a little bit, right?
Sharon Clements:
No, it doesn’t smell. It might make you cry though.
Adam Salgat:
That’s fair.
Sharon Clements:
In our three-day communication class, we use a PowerPoint slide that’s foundational to why we even have the class. It’s sort of a modified spiral. I’m going to give you a quick overview and then we’ll talk about each layer. So at the core of it, at the center, are our needs and values. And then the next layer around that is our attitudes. And then you have this other layer that’s called behavioral tendencies. Then you have a choice layer. And then the next layer, the final layer, is our actual behavior. So the idea here is that we have these needs and values that shape our attitudes, that in turn, kind of shape our behavioral tendencies. But before we actually exhibit the behavior, there’s a choice. So now let’s break that apart a little bit. Our needs and values are at the core of who we are. For the most part, they’re formed early in our lives by a number of factors.
These include genetics, culture, family of origin, et cetera. Those sort of things that we’re all familiar with. Some other things that I found kind of interesting are birth order. Where we fall in the family hierarchy contributes to our attitudes, to our values. Our birth date, children born in September tend to be older when they start school and that can make an appreciable difference when they move on up into the upper elementary and the junior high and high school levels. And our diet. Something as simple as what we eat.
Adam Salgat:
That’s interesting.
Sharon Clements:
Yeah. I was surprised at that one.
Adam Salgat:
It makes sense because if you do a lot of research on different types of foods and fast foods, all of the different things that trigger certain things that are added to our foods, and we’re not going to get into that, even though I joked about us being a food podcast in the beginning. But it does make sense that diet could come into play.
Sharon Clements:
Yeah, it does. So these are just some of the variables that can shape our values and our needs. These, in turn, that next layer was attitudes, so these shape our attitudes. And attitudes are the learned tendency that we have to evaluate things in a certain way. It’s how we react to people, to objects, to events, et cetera, okay? So the next step after that, now remember, we’ve got our core needs and our values, they’ve shaped our attitudes, and then we go into our behavioral tendencies. So I want to give you a little example. I was born in ’56, and I grew up in a fairly strict household at that time. We were not allowed to call adults by their first names. That was just kind of the standard then. It was always proceeded by their title, Mr., Mrs., or Miss as a sign of respect.
To this day, I still address people older than me in this manner. Now, since I’m in my 60s, it can be a little bit difficult determining who’s actually older than me, but you can see that my behavior was shaped by that attitude, that respect for elders that was ingrained in me. These attributes that I’ve described so far in our class model are shaded in blue. The only reason I’m telling you that is there’s kind of a relationship between them.
Adam Salgat:
Okay.
Sharon Clements:
This next layer, the layer of choice is green because this is different. We are thinking, cognitive human beings capable of choice. So even though I have these values that have led to attitudes that have shaped my tendency, I can make a choice about whether or not I exhibit that behavior or choose to behave in another way. Does that make sense?
Adam Salgat:
I see the impact of that statement. So, can I use what I’ve learned in the OCL class to help actually form my choices?
Sharon Clements:
Adam, you’re brilliant. Let’s explore that a little bit. Carl Rogers, the psychologist, says that what happens in our world shapes our view of the world, right? So how we interpret things is what shapes us and it influences how we treat others. So there’s components to that whole thing, like our self-image, how we see ourselves, our self-esteem, the value we place on ourselves, and our ideal self, who we really wish we were. Okay? These are all factors in this whole process. So, what happens is all of this stuff has taken place, for the most part, in our formative years, like up to the age of 16.
Adam Salgat:
Okay.
Sharon Clements:
Here’s the part that I loved in doing some research and some reading and in living my own life, is as I mature, I do not have to blindly accept the view that I formed based on those elements in my youth. What shaped us does not have to continue to define us.
Adam Salgat:
When I read that in your notes, it hit home for me so deeply in the idea of thinking about someone I know who was bullied when they were young and what they’ve had to do to overcome that and how it still, on occasion, creeps up on them in their 30s now. But the strength that they show to overcome that, that they’re not defined by it, still is amazing.
Sharon Clements:
If you think about that, isn’t there a world of freedom in what you just said.
Adam Salgat:
Yes, absolutely. And that’s something that they fight for whenever they run into these situations of that creeping back into their mindset.
Sharon Clements:
Yeah. It starts with that awareness and then what tools do I have that can help me get past that to choose a different behavior to not react to those things that happened earlier? In one of the classes that we held, there was this wonderful woman in there. And we were talking about effective confrontation. And I don’t know if you remember this from the class, but the two ways were the way of the bat and the way of the bent knee. So even if you haven’t taken the class, you kind of get a picture of what they mean. So, as we were explaining that, we tend to go into confrontation with the bat, right? We just exercise our authority to get what we want. Then a much better and more effective way is the way of the bent knee, to go in with humility and other-centeredness. This wonderful woman in class, going through the whole thing listening, and she just jumped up. She said, “Can I share something?” “Sure.” So she said, “As I’m looking at this, I realize that in my culture, the way of the bent knee is going to be perceived as weakness.”
Adam Salgat:
Interesting.
Sharon Clements:
Yeah. That they will see the real power in the way of the bat and just lording your authority over others, right?
Adam Salgat:
Yeah.
Sharon Clements:
She said, “But as I’m going through this, I see that the real power is in the bent knee.” And then she said something that just blew me away. She said, “I do not have to let my culture define me anymore. I can make a choice to move in a different direction right here and right now.”
Adam Salgat:
That’s wonderful self-awareness that she’s come to and has made a decision to change.
Sharon Clements:
It’s powerful. It’s why we teach the class. And back to what you said, can you use what you’ve learned in the class to change how you look at things? Absolutely. What really happens here is that we want to find a way to make that green layer of choice larger. We want as many options in there as we can possibly have, right?
Adam Salgat:
Yeah.
Sharon Clements:
So, here are some ways to do that. First of all, what we input into our minds is critical.
Adam Salgat:
So I’ve heard you refer to that as garbage in or garbage out.
Sharon Clements:
You got it. If I’m going to take in garbage, I’m going to spew garbage. It’s just the way it works, right? That’s all I have.
Adam Salgat:
Yep.
Sharon Clements:
So, what I read, what I exposed myself to on TV, online, video games, all of those things are going to make a difference on what choices and tools I have. If I pursue excellence, I’m going to give myself excellence as one of the options when I make choices.
Adam Salgat:
That’s awesome.
Sharon Clements:
Another way that we can affect the choices that we make is our relationships. So be intentional. One of the things that I loved in reading this was, seek those who live out the goals that you’ve set for yourself. If you want a better marriage, seek people who have a better marriage. If you want to be wealthy, that’s not my goal, but for some people it is, seek people who know how to be successful.
Adam Salgat:
That hits home right now in my career and in my life, when I think I may want to someday go full-on independent and run my own business. So, if I put people around me who are a positive influence in that manner, I can glean from them. That’s kind of what you’re suggesting, right?
Sharon Clements:
Absolutely. That’s what I’m saying. Here’s the thing, we have to set boundaries. Remember, we really are about the connections and the relationships. But in keeping with that, we’re not saying to exclude people from your life, but what we are saying is cultivate those relationships, put your priority and your energy in those ones that are going to be the most beneficial to you while still affirming and treating others with respect.
Adam Salgat:
Right.
Sharon Clements:
But a key here is, if you tend to form relationships with people who are engaged in activities that are detrimental, you’re more likely to fall into that same sort of behavior.
Adam Salgat:
Right. Company you keep.
Sharon Clements:
There is a biblical verse that says, “Bad company corrupts good character.” And I think that’s probably proven out over history. Here’s another thing, the habits that we acquire.
Adam Salgat:
Good habits, I suppose, lead to good outcomes, would that be right?
Sharon Clements:
You got it. If you encourage those around you, they will respond positively, they start to be encouragers. If you make healthy life choices, you feel better. If you practice positive thinking, you tend to encourage that positive attitude around you. And I loved this one, there’s so much research on this, if you have an attitude of gratitude, you reduce stress and negativity in your life. And that spills out to the people around you.
Adam Salgat:
I think some people may take that to the extreme and consider that someone is just, I’ll use a term that might not be perfect, but slighty. Meaning, they don’t have opinions on anything, they just accept everything and they’re just happy about everything. And therefore, they’re in the clouds all the time because they’re not realistic. But that might not be the case. They may simply be choosing to find the positive. They can clearly see what happens as a detriment, but they’re choosing to be the positive influence that they want to see in the world.
Sharon Clements:
Adam, that’s so true. and I’m so glad that you said that because sometimes we tend to see others who are different as broken.
Adam Salgat:
Sure.
Sharon Clements:
Like we need to do something to fix them, but that isn’t the case. Part of this beautiful journey of OCL and relationships and connections is truly accepting people for who they are and where they are. So, for you to see that and recognize that it might not be exactly what you thought, that was beautiful. Thank you.
Adam Salgat:
What else do you have that can help us?
Sharon Clements:
Opportunities. Be open to new things. One thing I don’t want to do is look back at my life and see a whole list of what ifs. What if I would have done this? What if I would’ve tried this? What if I would’ve gone here? So the more opportunities that we’re open to, the more that we take advantage of, the more tools we give ourselves for making choices. Schools, careers, passions, find what you love and pursue it. But remember this, overcoming obstacles is one of life’s greatest gifts. It’s often the struggle that shapes us more than the achievement.
Adam Salgat:
That’s a good point.
Sharon Clements:
I was thinking about it when I was running marathons. The four months of training taught me more than a single day of racing in every single case. That’s what taught me the discipline, that’s what taught me the focus, that’s what taught me how to work hard to achieve a goal. So, pursue those passions, but don’t let obstacles stop you. So another thing that you can do to open yourself up to new choices, friends, family, relationships, specifically, be grateful for what they bring into your life.
Adam Salgat:
Interesting. Don’t take that for granted.
Sharon Clements:
You got it.
Adam Salgat:
I think that oftentimes we can do that very easily, take for granted. And it doesn’t mean that we don’t care, but we just do it without thinking about it and take for granted that they’re always going to be there or that they’re always going to be my rock or my support, but we don’t necessarily reaffirm them that they are my rock or my support.
Sharon Clements:
It’s easy to do that, isn’t it?
Adam Salgat:
Yeah.
Sharon Clements:
And the flip side of that is the ones who you maybe don’t have a connection with, take a minute to see if you can start working towards restoring that connection and you might be amazed at what they can bring into your life.
Adam Salgat:
Good point.
Sharon Clements:
Often the people that we struggle with the most are the people who are different from us, right? So the elements that they can bring in compliment the areas where we might be somewhat lacking. So foster those difficult relationships in your family. The other thing is … Well, I was going to talk about friends that come into our lives for just a day or two. And what I’m thinking of specifically, I know this is going to be my next point, but I don’t know how many classes I’ve taught so far, and I’m thinking about the participants in those classes. Now, the majority of them I have not had contact with outside of class, except for maybe an email or a chance meeting in town somewhere. But, Adam, what they have brought to my life is phenomenal. They have given me knowledge, they have given me depth, they have given me tools for growth, and they’ve motivated me to keep trying to improve. So even those relationships that just touch us for a short time are important. Don’t minimize them, don’t dismiss them.
Adam Salgat:
That’s good advice.
Sharon Clements:
So the last thing that I’m going to mention, that we can add to our bucket of tools for improving the choices that we have, our experiences like the three-day OCL class. If you can find something like that, that challenges you to grow, to look at things in a new way, to step outside your comfort zone, that’s a huge way to enhance the choices, the options that you have for choices when you’re in between that behavioral tendency and what behavior will I actually exhibit? It gives you a whole different way to look at things. That’s why we’re passionate about what we do and the gift that it can bring to people. It’s just another way to equip us with more options when we’re getting ready to exhibit an actual behavior. So, does that help?
Adam Salgat:
It does. Thank you so much.
Sharon Clements:
Are we ready to move into recipes for the cooking portion of the class?
Adam Salgat:
Well, let’s start with onions. They’re a good base for any soup.
Sharon Clements:
They are. And my understanding is an onion a day is as good as an apple a day. And I’m just going to leave it right there.
Adam Salgat:
Sharon, thank you so much for coming in today. I really appreciate you going through the onion slide with me.
Sharon Clements:
You’re so welcome, Adam. Thank you for helping us get the message out and change the world.
Adam Salgat:
Alumni, remember, if you need any refreshers about these onion slides or anything else from the OCL course, hit us up on our Facebook page and don’t forget, you are the message.