Why do we ask for change?
When we ask people to change we actually need their help. Kind of a different way to look at it. Listen in as we talk about how it is crucial that we have conversations. Conversations can be hard but important if we want to strengthen relationships.
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Adam:
Hello and welcome to the Our Community Listens podcast. With me today is Sarah Weisbarth, an Our Community Listens professor. Today’s topic, Confrontation: Just Crucial Conversations. So, Sarah, tell me a little bit about this and why you wanted to talk about it.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Well, Adam, in episode four, you and Leanne talked about how to do confrontations, remembering that we know that there is a way to confront using the FBI model: feeling, behavior, impact. But again and again, people avoid confrontation and ask us for more help with effective confrontation. Very often, we are in situations that could be confronted, but yet we still avoid it.
Adam:
Well, why do you think that is?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Well, we talk about this in class. Many reasons that come up are things like fear of reprisal, anxiety about confrontation in general. Maybe there’s a negative past experience, either with experiencing confrontation in our environment or a negative experience with the person we need to confront. When we confront someone, we don’t know what the outcome is going to be, and then there… You know, sometimes we just hope that the problem will go away.
Adam:
Those do make sense to me and would cause me to avoid a confrontation. But if I don’t confront them, then the problem won’t change, right?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Exactly. Right, so if we want a situation or person to change, then we have to point out the behavior, the impact it is having, and how we feel about it. Otherwise, how can we possibly expect the situation to change?
Adam:
Yeah, I get that, but what if they don’t change?
Sarah Weisbarth:
All right, let’s talk about a few things. So, listen to this and tell me what you think. “You cannot motivate another person,” and let’s insert “to change” in here. “You cannot motivate another person to change. You can only create an environment in which people will be motivated to change.” Essentially saying, we can’t change others. We can only make them aware of our need for them to change.
Adam:
Again, that does make sense, and I know from personal experience, when I’ve wanted someone to make a change, I probably didn’t go about it in the right way, because it was more attacking than it was explaining why I would like them to change.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Right, like sometimes, we just assume that people realize that they’ve done something… I’m going to qualify it as maybe wrong, but they’ve done something that’s upset us or hurt us, and we just think they’re going to change. And if we go after them and aggressively tell them to change, it’s likely that they’re not going to, right? If we really want them to change, we have to talk to them about it.
Adam:
Right.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Here’s another one for you. “People change to meet their needs, not yours.”
Adam:
Again, that makes sense, and it’s not that it’s a selfish thing, but instinctually, I believe we all are kind of looking out for ourselves.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah, absolutely. There’s going to be a thought, very naturally, like, “Well, why would I change? Why would I do this?” Right? That’s why we include the impact in those confrontation messages. When we help people understand what impact their behavior is having on us, they’re going to be more motivated to change. Just by confronting them in a way that helps them understand the impact, we’re creating that environment for them to change, essentially, to meet my needs. So, here’s that radical concept. When we confront someone, we’re actually asking them to change because we need them to.
Adam:
Wow, so we actually need their help?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah. Yeah, it’s almost like you have to pause to think about that for a second, right? Like, someone’s done something, I’m irritated with them, I’d really like them to change, I need their help. And I know in the past, when I go to ask for someone’s help, I better go in a way that’s going to help them help me. If we go back to the reasons why people avoid confrontation that we mentioned in the beginning, no wonder why people are walking around irritated at each other and acting out because of it. If we just figured out how to have a conversation about the issue…
Adam:
It is a crucial conversation.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yes. These conversations really matter. This is how relationships are strengthened, restored, and prosperous. If we don’t confront behaviors that people exhibit that are causing a problem, then…
Adam:
Well, nothing changes.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Exactly.
Adam:
Cool, so I’m getting it, but I’m a little hung up on a couple things.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Go ahead.
Adam:
Honestly, I sometimes wonder why people even behave the way they do in the first place. Can you explain that?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah. That can be a hard one, right? Remember the onion slide from class? It’s the one that has the layers of blue with that one layer of green.
Adam:
Kind of.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Okay, so let’s walk through it for a minute. At the core of us are our values, beliefs, and needs, right? So I’m actually grabbing my stomach when I talk about this, because for me, it is kind of that gut stuff that defines who I am. Right? So that’s at the center of this image. Then there’s a layer up from that: our attitudes about life. These are based on our core beliefs but look more like our thoughts about things. Then there’s the way we would typically behave based on these attitudes that came out of our values. Next is the part where this opportunity to change comes in. We all have a choice in how we behave. On the onion slide, this was that green layer of choice. I might typically behave in a particular manner based on my attitudes, which are based on my core values and beliefs, but I can choose to have a different behavior.
Adam:
Could you provide an example of that?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah, so I have a great example that is very real in my life. I’m crazy organized about things. My belief is that everything has its place, and it should be in it. My attitude is that things are simpler and more efficient if they are organized. My tendency, then, is to keep things maybe categorized, straightened up and tidy. I regularly go through things and sort, and I use… I’m using air quotes when I say “regularly,” because my idea of regularly is different than other people’s. And as I go through and sort these things, I like to throw things out. If they’re not being used, then they just need to go, right? So I’m very organized, I have this belief about things being simpler and efficient that way, and when I regularly straighten up and tidy, things get thrown out.
Adam:
Right.
Sarah Weisbarth:
That’s the behavior that you end up seeing. My mom, on the other hand, she likes to hold on to things. She was raised in a situation that taught her not to throw things away. She believes that everything has value to someone, that it is worth something, I’m using air quotes again, “worth something.” She actually borders on hoarding.
Adam:
I understand what you’re saying, but that sounds like a little bit of a judgment on your mom to call her a hoarder.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yup, and you’re probably right. Because her belief system is directly opposite to mine, I can get very opinionated about how she holds on to things, because it makes me kind of crazy. So yeah, I whip out a judgment statement like “She borders on hoarding.”
Adam:
But you do have a choice in how you treat her, regardless of your difference of opinion or strategies.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yes. Right? So I could tell her that she needs to straighten things up or we won’t help her move. Or, I could learn to let it go, and not make an issue until we have to ask her to change because maybe her behavior starts to have an effect on me.
Adam:
So you have a choice on how you react to her behavior that is causing you stress.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yes. Right? It goes back to that three moves slide again, right? We love this slide, right? In any situation, I have three choices. I can confront using the FBI model, which I might need to confront her someday. I can change the circumstances by maybe asking her to visit our home, so I don’t have to be frustrated seeing her disorganization.
Adam:
Right, that really is an issue for you, isn’t it?
Sarah Weisbarth:
I can’t even tell you how crazy it makes me. And you mentioned a minute ago about when we’re stressed, right? So this, this is something that really bothers me, because at my core beliefs, they’re very much in contrast to hers, right? So I have to put that stress away and make a choice about how I want to behave. So my third choice is to accept her behavior, which, that’s what I’m doing at this point, because it’s not something I need to confront right now.
Adam:
So, Sarah, tell me how all of this kind of ties together, then.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Okay. People behave to meet their own needs, and every behavior is an expression of their core values and beliefs. Right? It’s that onion slide. You said you don’t always understand why people behave the way they do, right? Neither do I, not until I spend some time thinking about what’s important to them. Then I might get a glimpse of understanding into their behavior.
Adam:
Okay, but what if I really do need them to change their behavior? There it is: I need them to change.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Kind of a dinger, isn’t it? We are asking them to change when we confront, or we’re embarking on that crucial conversation where we’re about to learn more about them and why they exhibit the behavior we’re confronting.
Adam:
But what if I really do need them to make some kind of change?
Sarah Weisbarth:
And maybe they don’t?
Adam:
Yeah.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah. We confront again, or we consider our other moves. We can change a situation, or we can accept it.
Adam:
That sounds like a lot longer conversation than maybe we have time for today.
Sarah Weisbarth:
For sure, but let me tell you, it’s a good one.
Adam:
So, in the end, Sarah, what do you want people to take away from this podcast?
Sarah Weisbarth:
I would say, for me, if I really need someone to change, I need to have that crucial conversation and confront them as a means to understanding them, and helping them understand me. Instead of seeing confrontation as something that drives disconnection, it can be a way to connect to others.
Adam:
You know, I never really thought about it that way.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah. It kind of changes your perspective on things.
Adam:
So I understand that having these conversations is very important, and using the FBI model is crucial, but I don’t always know how to define everything in each segment to get my feeling across correctly. Do you think it would be helpful for me or our listeners to further practice the FBI model?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Adam, I think that’s a great idea. We have a lot of people asking for help with effective confrontation, and when we have them give us examples of their confrontation messages, there’s a lot to work through. Even I have a problem when I sit down and write a confrontation message, and sometimes it’s too wordy, sometimes I’m not using the right words. So why don’t we do this: Let’s ask our listeners to message into our Facebook page at Michigan OCL Alumni and send in practice feeling, behavior, and impact statements, effective confrontation statements, because then we can use these real-life examples and kind of pick through them, and be able to identify each aspect and refine them in such a way that people can understand that when we do effective confrontation and have these crucial conversations, it can be done with great thought and intention, because remember, alumni, you are the message.