013-Replay & Retool: Understanding Nonverbals – Part 1

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Adam Salgat 0:09
Hello and welcome to Beyond the class from knowledge to action. The audiocast designed to help Chapman foundation Alumni continue applying the skills they’ve built and turned them into intentional, everyday Action. I’m your host. Adam Salgat, today’s episode is another replay and retool. This series is our way of revisiting meaningful lessons from earlier audio casts, moments that may already be familiar but are often worth hearing again through another lens. These episodes help bring core skills from our community listens back to the surface so they stay active and relevant in the way we show up each day. We’re also introducing another beyond the class toolkit. This new alumni resource is specifically focused on this episode’s subject, nonverbal communication. It’s designed to help you strengthen awareness, alignment and connection in all of your conversations. The entire PDF is downloadable and yours to keep feel free to print it, bring it to your team or use it as a personal reflection exercise. The link to this powerful tool is in the description, alright, let’s step into today’s replay and retool. In this episode, we’re revisiting a conversation with facilitator Leanne van beep, in which we explore how nonverbal communication shows up in an increasingly digital world and why it still matters more than ever. Nonverbals are a foundational element of the our community lessons framework, yet they’re also one of the skills most impacted by emails, texts and the speed of technology driven communications. Before we jump in, here are a few things to listen for. First, notice how easily nonverbals get filtered or fully lost when communication shifts away from face to face discussions, especially when emotions are involved. Second, listen for how distribution methods and timing influence how messages are received. And finally, pay attention to the idea of intentional alignment, when our words tone and presence match. Trust grows when they don’t confusion and disconnect tend to follow. Stick with us through the end, where we’ll share two actionable, practical tips and introduce the beyond the class toolkit nonverbals. All right, let’s step back into the original conversation here today to talk about nonverbals, and we’re titling this next level, nonverbals in a world of emojis. You know, over the years, we’ve talked about the four components of nonverbals, gestures and movements, eye contact and facial expressions, speaking voice and tone, body posture and body positioning, and we’ve done podcasts on that like I’ve mentioned. I’ll put a link to those in our description today, another reminder here that 10% of our message is only sent through the words that we use. So it’s kind of hard to talk nonverbals in a podcast form, but we’re going to attempt to do that today. We’re going to do our best to describe and, you know, use your mind’s eye, then I need you to step in, though, and talk to me about in a world of emojis, talk to me about that part of our title.

Leanne Van Beek 3:29
Yeah, absolutely. I think we are finding more and more often in the classroom that our conversations around nonverbals often pivot to technology discussions and this idea that we live in a world where we use a lot of text, we try to rely on emojis to add in those emotions that we typically get through nonverbals. And I think what we’re finding is that more and more it’s resonating with people that even the best crafted email or well intended text can be misinterpreted when only 10% of our message comes through the words. So that’s one thing I think we’ll dive into today, maybe revisit our Moravian model a little bit. And the other is that we’ve also been just talking about, how can we be more intentional with our nonverbals? And so I think we’ll talk a little bit too about things that we’re finding are really helpful with self awareness, in terms of knowing when to amplify your nonverbals, like how to leverage those better, as well as times where it may be helpful for you to be self aware and know how to restrain your nonverbals.

Adam Salgat 4:27
Awesome. That’s a perfect setup when you were talking about connecting and talking through text message and talking through emails. I think a lot of slang is also used, so it might be things like, lol, I do that a lot. It’s like my way of letting someone know that I’m smiling when I’m saying it. You know, it’s this opportunity to give them a glimpse into what my nonverbal might be if we were person to person. Tell me about any examples that you have in that space of using phones or email and when might be the right time to actually maybe get on a zoom call.

Leanne Van Beek 5:00
Hmm, yeah, I think you’re identifying a couple critical things there. And it’s funny I think about, I mean, I have a more direct style naturally, and there are very few people who I think I can send a text to without adding emojis. In fact, there was one day where I was responding very quickly to someone. I had just a couple seconds, and I think I sent a word. I think I sent a single word response to my son, it wasn’t capitalized and it didn’t have punctuation, which is how many teenagers text, and he called me and asked me what was wrong, because it was so different from, you know, when I’m trying to be really intentional with how I’m texting. So something as simple as that, we try to compensate a lot in our text messages. So I think we recognize it’s not the most ideal form. One of the things we’ve talked about in our class, and just to remind everybody, the Moravian model, the idea behind the Moravian model is that especially in situations where the emotion is high, or I’m communicating something that may cause emotions in someone else, so that’s different than just I’m sending out a memo. Here’s information about, you know, our agenda for Friday, but when the emotion is potentially higher, only 10% of the message gets through in the words that we communicate on the page. We get another 40% of the message when we can add our tone. So that’s like just the simple difference between picking up the phone to call somebody versus sending email. But then a final 50% of it comes through all of those components that you mentioned, our facial expressions, our eye contact, our gestures. So if we have a message that’s really critical, it’s it’s really important for us to start weighing out when and how do I need to sort of up the level of what I’m communicating? And I think one of the other things that’s really interesting, and depending on how much we want to get into examples. We also find that in some of the groups that we work with, it can feel like it takes a lot of time upfront to set up a zoom, meeting with someone to communicate something, like we’re going to be having a change in a program. And so I want to make sure we can talk about it, and it feels like it’s going to take so much time, but if I send out the email and it’s misinterpreted, and another email comes back to me to clarify, maybe with some tone that I misinterpret, we’re suddenly spiraling into a series of emails texts. But you know that we have to almost do cleanup and damage repair with so I think we’re also really trying to switch the lens for people on front loading, the effort to actually make things more efficient.

Adam Salgat 7:21
That makes a lot of sense. It really does. In I can imagine situations where I’ve had that happen, where I’m like, I think to myself, once we actually talk, I think to myself, had they called me immediately, we would potentially have avoided such and such, and we would have been more efficient. In my mind, I think about that. I think about the opportunity to just be more efficient and gather more information when we have opportunity to actually

Leanne Van Beek 7:45
speak to each other. Yeah, and I think sometimes examples can can really make it helpful. And I know that with a group that we were in doing some work with recently, they were talking about how much emphasis their organization has been putting into trying to identify when an email may have some emotion behind it, and really encouraging their team to use the language. Let’s get on the phone for this. So rather than responding over email to just pause it like cut it right there, recognize that this is a more emotional situation. We don’t want things to spiral or go out of control. And it was interesting because, you know, they shared that there was a dynamic like that happening. Someone emailed. It was definitely emotional, and the person responding started their email off with, it sounds like we need to get on the phone, but then continued to send their somewhat emotional response. And you know, it was a great example, because well intentioned, but very quickly it spiraled into a much larger issue. It required several meetings to try to clear things back up again, and it was great that they were willing to share that with us, because I’m sure there are people listening to the podcast who can identify with how something like that goes off the rails and in our family situations, same thing. I mean, how often have you gotten a text from someone your partner, maybe one of your adult children, whatever the case may be, and you find yourself offended or concerned or worried or wondering what the text means. And a lot of times we respond in kind with more text, and rarely does it clarify the issue that we’re having. Yep, quick

Adam Salgat 9:13
example of that recently with my wife, there was something she wanted to talk to me about. I needed to go take care of something because I felt like it was part of something for myself that I needed to do that evening. So I kind of walked away out of this situation. Well, I got a text, like, 10 minutes later. That’s like, I’m crying, can you come in and talk to me? And I did not realize that I had left a space that she needed. Like, I couldn’t just text back, because there’s actually a few I misinterpreted or mistold this story that there were a few texts after I had left, and I was trying to explain myself in what I felt was a comfortable tone. I did not know that she was interpreting it in a troubled state. So that made a big difference. And so when I got that though, I went inside, we talked, and everything was healthy, and it. Was good. But you know, that emotion that I didn’t know she was going through, she kind of took my words and put more on it than I thought I was intending. And so those are the other elements. What are they going through and how are they interpreting absolutely,

Leanne Van Beek 10:14
you know, you’re making me think of what we talk about early on in our disc module, when we talk about how we all have certain needs and values that are really core to who we are and how much we’ve just been shaped by different environments that we grow up in. So if I grow up repeatedly hearing a certain phrase used with a certain tone, then when it’s texted to me, I am highly likely to apply that tone to it, even if it’s being said by someone else with a different intention. And when you don’t have that tone, right, that makes it even more challenging. So, you know, we have these two ideals here, I think, in an ideal world, when emotion is high and we need to communicate something, you know, we’re really looking for what are our best options. But I also think there’s a reality we might want to talk about of tech is efficient, so how can we potentially leverage tech? Still like, how do we, how do we use what we have in the most efficient way possible? It’s a good way to put it, and I think there’s probably a couple pieces we could talk about here. I mean, I think one is, you know, I used to be an HR director for a large nonprofit, and sending out someone’s job performance review is always really interesting, right? And imagine, yeah, because there’s some stress involved. Oh my gosh, yes. Stress involved anxiety, you know? And so for a long time, we decided that it was more effective to send the JPR, let them read it, and then kind of get everything out of the way and come in for a meeting. So you’re sending out something like this, right? That’s a message, yeah, with

Adam Salgat 11:43
words emotion, because it’s got a lot of direct feedback on performance and how, how they how you’re perceiving, how they’re doing.

Leanne Van Beek 11:50
Yeah, absolutely. And, and so there’s a tone that they’re probably going to read it through. But yet, if you waited to try to do it, maybe in person, it seemed like the anxiety was too high, so it was one of the situations where I think we did leverage the idea of sending the message, but you would typically, typically, you would have an in person meeting to explain, I’m going to send this to you. Okay, it’s a chance for you to read it, get comfortable, and then we would try to set up the meeting to happen right after they read it, so you’re not necessarily leaving them in a space of anxiety. Sometimes, I think there are situations in our workplaces where it’s helpful for someone to have time to read through the context of a situation or a change that’s going to be happening, but our our follow up then has to be so key, and I think timing has to be really important, because we want to try to get to them as quickly as possible and make sure we have the in person conversation married very closely to them, having the chance to read through the information.

Adam Salgat 12:48
There’s something here I do want to make mention about the ability to say, hey, let’s meet in person, like you mentioned before. But you have to also keep in mind what your body language is going to be and what your emotions are when you get to meet in person. So for example, if you’re thinking to yourself, Okay, I’ve got the right words. I know what I want to say, but maybe you’re still upset inside. Or whether that’s an angry upset or a sad upset, your body language might completely say something else. So it’s the balance of your words and your body

Leanne Van Beek 13:20
language, correct? Yeah, oh, that’s a no. I think that’s a great point. If we’re not in a place yet where we’re calm enough to have the conversation, we’re not going to be in alignment. Our words are going to be saying one thing, you’re absolutely right. Our body and our you know, tone are going to be doing something completely opposite.

Adam Salgat 13:37
Obviously, one of the benefits of technology and the ability to send an email or send a text is efficiency. We were talking about that prior to, you know, recording this podcast. When it comes to connecting with people, it’s much more efficient nowadays because it’s in the palm of our hands. But what about any tips, you know, to stay efficient, but also bring our nonverbals into play?

Leanne Van Beek 13:56
Yeah, I will say, I am sure there’s many apps like this, but I love Marco Polo. Marco Polo. I describe it as visual voicemail, so I still have the ability to leave a message whenever I want to the same way that we have with email, but when I’m leaving the message for someone, it’s fabulous, because they can see my face. They can hear my tone. And I’ve actually had times before where I’ve sent an email and then sent the person to text to say, don’t read my email until you watch my Marco Polo. And it’s just because I can tell that the message could be interpreted different ways based on how they read it and what mood they’re in. But if I know I can get on Marco Polo. They can see me. It’s recorded. They can listen to it when it’s convenient for them, you know. So that’s been sort of my middle ground. I really think that that’s a helpful tool.

Adam Salgat 14:46
Welcome back. Revisiting this conversation is always a powerful reminder that nonverbal communication is not optional, even when we think technology is helping us communicate faster or more efficiently all. Often the very tools meant to save time are the same ones that strip away tone, intention and emotional clarity. Today, we’re sharing two quick tips in the brand new toolkit designed to strengthen nonverbal awareness and connection. Tip number one, match the channel to the emotional weight. This framework helps you choose how to communicate based on what the message may be stirring emotionally, not just how quickly it can be sent before sending a message, pause and ask. Could this trigger stress? Will this cause uncertainty? How might this create emotion for the other person? If the emotional weight is light. Written Communication may be enough, but when emotion is present or likely, prioritize channels that allow tone presence and clarification, matching the channel to the emotional weight reduces misrepresentation, prevents escalation, and often saves time by avoiding unnecessary repair later. Tip number two, lead with clarity. Anchor with connection. This tool supports moments when written communication is necessary, but human connection remains your foundation. Lead clearly outlining intent, context and expectations so message is grounded and understandable. Then intentionally anchor the message with connection, naming the next conversation, offering an opportunity to talk through it immediately, or reminding them when you’re available to discuss in person. Clarity helps people orient themselves. Connection helps them feel seen, valued and heard when both are present, communication becomes more confident, calm and effective. The beyond the class toolkit, nonverbals, a downloadable PDF to deepen this work, we’re excited to share the beyond the class toolkit. Nonverbals, a new resource created specifically for alumni, this toolkit includes an individual self reflection and a ready to use team discussion guide designed to help you bring intentional nonverbal awareness into everyday conversations. Inside the toolkit, you’ll revisit the four core elements of nonverbal communication, speaking, voice and tone, body posture and positioning, facial expressions and eye contact, gestures and movements. You’ll also find guided reflection prompts that encourage you to notice where your nonverbals align with your words and where they might unintentionally send a different message. The team discussion guide is structured to fit into a five to 10 minute meeting, helping teams explore questions like, What mood are we unintentionally spreading, or how aware are we of the messages our presence sends. This entire PDF is downloadable and yours to keep. Feel free to use it personally or bring it directly to your team conversations. The link is available in the episode description, and don’t forget the CFCC leads app also includes quick reference tools to support nonverbal awareness and skill building. Thank you for spending time with us and for your continued commitment to growing as communicators and leaders. These replay and retool episodes exist to keep foundational skills fresh, because the more we revisit them, the more naturally they show up in moments that matter most. We hope you feel refreshed, retooled and ready for real world action. Until next time, we’re inviting you to walk your path with intention, because you are the message, Take care, my friends.