Our Community Listens in Partnerships – In the following conversation with Our Community Listens national team members, Leader of Education Initiatives-Mike Desparrois, and Senior Leader of Strategic Engagements, Misty Janks will discuss how OCL skills have impacted her life and how she has used them to support her family and raise her two daughters.
Listen as she gives real-life examples of how the skills have improved her relationship with her older daughter and how they’ve moved her younger daughter to excel in sports.
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Adam Salgat 0:00
Welcome to the our community listens podcast where we strengthen relationships and build stronger communities through listening, leadership, care, and service to create truly human connection. Learn and partner with us as we imagine a society in which people care about each other. First, explore more at our community lessons.org
Hello, and welcome to the our community lessons podcast. My name is Adam Salgat. And with me today is Mike this Barris leader of education initiatives. Hey, Mike, how you doing?
Unknown Speaker 0:47
I’m doing great Adam,
Adam Salgat 0:48
how about yourself? I’m doing pretty well. And I’m excited to have back on my friend Misty Jenks, leader of strategic engagements with our community listens. And today we’re going to talk a little bit about how the OCL skills have impacted her life and how she has used them to support her family and raise her two daughters. Misty, welcome back to the podcast.
Unknown Speaker 1:10
Thank you so much for having me back again today. Adam.
Adam Salgat 1:13
We were chatting a little bit before this. And spring breaks coming up. Sounds like you guys have a good trip planned.
Speaker 2 1:18
Yes, I am doing a mother daughter trip with my youngest. Zoey, she’s nine years old. And we’re heading out to do some hiking in Sedona. So super excited for that.
Adam Salgat 1:27
Well, that’s awesome. And I’m sure you’ll be utilizing some of the skills we talk about in the coming week or so. But before we get there, tell me a little bit about how you became involved with our community lessons.
Speaker 2 1:39
So it started way back in 2015, I was an executive director of a local nonprofit here. And I was invited to be a part of one of the first pilot classes here in Midland, Michigan, and I was super excited to attend. I think it was then the following year in 2016, they did a call for anybody that would be interested in stepping up and trying to facilitate the class for community members. And I raised my hand because I was super excited, because I was using the skills in my life and they were making a difference. From there, I actually transitioned full time to the organization in 2008 t, where I started off in that impact impacted outreach role for the Michigan chapter, then moving up to the Michigan chapter leader. And now in my current role, senior leader for strategic engagement.
Adam Salgat 2:36
So it sounds sounds like a lot of great stepping stones for you at this organization.
Speaker 2 2:41
Yes, a lot of great opportunities, loved serving my community loves serving the state of Michigan and now having the opportunity to assist all across the United States. It’s a great, great opportunity.
Speaker 3 2:55
I missed it right off the bat going back all the way to 2015 and have a different titles and positions that you’ve had, how many classes just off the top of your head, do you think you have taught? Right?
Speaker 2 3:09
I think I am approaching or rate at class number 20. For myself. When I first started off, I had a full time role. So I took my vacation time to actually teach the class, I was only teaching about four times a year and those are
Speaker 3 3:26
24 times is a lot. And then if you add in all the extra teaching sessions that you do on top of that, we’re probably well into the hundreds with you really understanding working through the material, and also supporting those around you those you serve. And of course, your family which really kind of wants to be a big part of our topic with it being Women’s History Month. So thanks for joining us today. We’re really excited to have you. So I’m going to start off with a question on Women’s History Month. Okay. So March is Women’s History Month, a great deal of your life has been dedicated to celebrating and supporting women. And I know you and I have had lots of good conversations, both having daughters, and trying to find out ways to support them. Who are some of your mentors that have helped you kind of support you and just helped you kind of find a way with your girls? Yeah,
Speaker 2 4:18
I love this question. And as I think back, I can’t name just one person. I feel like in every role that I’ve had, there’s always been somebody and every experience that I have somebody that I’m learning from so thinking really early on into my career, I had a great executive director that kind of mentored me and she was just always so great at picking out my strengths and highlighting them for me and then also being kind and bringing up the areas that I can improve upon. But I feel like in every role is always just having that connection with an individual That has really helped me see my skills in a different light and then helped have me continue to grow through those.
Speaker 3 5:07
Yeah, I think I think that’s really cool how you kind of were able to say how she also helped you with conversations and support you through that. So let’s throw it to Adam. All right, Adam, Women’s History Month, talk to us about that special woman in your life, or several of them, who’ve really helped mentor you and help you develop into the person that you are.
Adam Salgat 5:29
I’ll keep it pretty quick and simple and not get into everyone because there’s plenty. But my mom, I think it starts with a lot of people with hopefully, a good example from their mother. My mom’s work ethic was something that passed on to me, she would get up, five in the morning, get ready, go, work, the early morning, shift at the bakery in town, pick me up from school at 230 Come home, sometimes need to do dinner, you know, and then raise raise those kids. So she, she worked on her feet every day waiting tables working for tips. So she’s she’s kind of that woman in my life that set a really great example first to say if you want it, you got to work for it. And don’t give up.
Speaker 3 6:18
That’s that’s a really cool story. Adam, thank you for sharing that with us.
Adam Salgat 6:22
Welcome. Misty, I want to touch back on the skills. And I it’s kind of a two fold question. So when you first learned the skills of our community lessons, the first question here is How did it change the way you communicated with your family, I want you to think back to when you kind of first started implementing them. Are there any stories or any instances that you can think of where you really started to implement them when you first learned them?
Speaker 2 6:48
Yes, right away that my oldest daughter, she is now 14, but she was just starting to enter the teenage years. And it’s a really interesting time when they switch from that really cuddly child into finding their own way in the world. And I have some pretty strong drive. And I like things done a certain way. And I realized through this class that I was actually putting my needs above my own, when it came to that with my daughter. So I loved that empathy and perspective taking because it really helped me to see it in a different light and to see how my behavioral tendencies are actually impacting her. And that was super exciting about the class.
Adam Salgat 7:36
So what about now, now that you’ve been through this, you’ve taught the classes multiple times 24 times less and gone through the material so much in the last three to four years? What about now? How is it different now utilizing these skills around your family?
Speaker 2 7:50
Now with especially reflective listening, that has become kind of my default go to when my girls start to tell me stories. And it’s even interesting. People also interview they told you that, and I’m like, Yeah, and so it’s really exciting. But really understanding to the difference between acceptance and agreement, especially as teens are finding their own way in this world. And the stories that they tell about themselves and their friends. Not going into that judgment space. Because I know so many times I can see it on my oldest daughter’s face, she’ll tell me a story. And it’s almost like she’s testing me to see what my response will be. And if I respond well, and kind of keep my cool, she’ll go a little bit further. But I know, if it wasn’t for this skills, I would have jumped right on some of those comments, she made me completely closed on that connection with
Adam Salgat 8:40
her. It sounds like it’s definitely made a big difference then in the way that you’re communicating. And as your daughters are getting older. Mike, what about what about you? Is there a difference between when you first started implementing them and then having them be in your life? Now? Is there a difference how you use them now?
Speaker 3 8:56
I think there’s a huge difference. I think before I ever learned anything on the listening skills, I would just immediately interrupt them, cut them off. Tell them exactly what I thought because you know, I’d already been a teenager, I know it all and immediately shut them down. And what’s interesting is what Misty said is when you can just be silent, they’ll tell you more than you’ve ever kind of imagined. Sometimes they tell you stuff you’re not prepared to hear as as the parent but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing. It just means that the trust and all that stuff that comes with it is there. Misty, how do you deal with that, but sometimes they tell you something that you’re like, Whoa, I wasn’t quite expecting that. Like what some advice out there we have for our parents to kind of remain in the moment so you can still support your kiddo as we go through these.
Speaker 2 9:50
I know one thing that I’ve done is like I even to that’s when I’m teaching the three day class when it comes to silence like what is going to be my reminder so I’ll Sometimes I’ll put my like chin on my hand, and I’ll put my finger up against my mouth. And I’m like, okay, she is watching, and how are you going to respond to this moment? And don’t go with your gut? Like, take a second, practice that pause? And then come back with that reflective response? And no judgment whatsoever? Keep it off your face.
Adam Salgat 10:22
I’m guessing it’s not easy.
Unknown Speaker 10:24
Not at all.
Speaker 3 10:26
Not when you hear that thing you expecting them to say? It, you’re like, Oh, hold on. So I love the idea of how you kind of like, use a kind of aesthetic to help you like remain quiet. And not use a verbal response or even like one that they can kind of see with your body movement as well, too, I’ll probably have to use that I’m usually better when they text or Cox have a moment to think. But in the moment where they’re next to you, you’re right. Like you just if you’re really practicing the skills, well, you don’t know what’s going to come up. But that’s a good thing. Like if they’re, if they’re trusting us to be able to say those things as well, too.
Adam Salgat 11:05
And, Mike, I think you mentioned something in there that I don’t want to gloss over because you said they tell you this, and it means that there’s trust, right? So even if you’re taking it back, it’s good to remind yourself well, even though I wasn’t expecting or maybe I don’t want to hear that kind of thing. Well, it’s good to hear that kind of thing, right? Instead of maybe having them shut down and close off. Right? Yeah, because
Speaker 3 11:28
you know, more of what’s going on in their world, not just with them selves, but also their friends or the people around them in school or whatever setting they may be in, you kind of learn like where you need to interact and what you don’t need to interact with. We we’ve always said in our house that we wanted to raise very independent females, like we want them to be extremely independent adults, and be able to take care of themselves and do all that stuff. And you know, it’s easy to say when they’re young, and you start working towards that, but when they get older, and they become independent, teenagers, and they start to want to do more independently, you have to remind yourself that you This is how you raise them. And so these skills go hand in hand with that, too, to kind of understand that. I’m sure Mr. You probably have some examples of that as well. But it’s you know, it’s really interesting, because kids are really good, especially in the teenage years of pointing that out to you as well.
Speaker 2 12:27
Yes. And I had a learning moment, just a couple of weeks back, we were talking about something and I brought up something that she had shared previously kind of as like, hey, remember, so you continue to make the good choices. Right? And that was not received very well, it was it was received as Why do you keep bringing in throwing it back up in my face? And I thought I was just helping with the learning moment, you know, and guiding them forward. And so it’s always interesting to try to read those moments with them and and to balance helping them learn and letting them learn on their own.
Speaker 3 13:04
Yeah, for sure. Are we scaring you, Adam? was growing up. It is cool, though, to see them, like mature through those processes as well. And I’m sure Misty will tell you the same thing. My wife and I talked about this all the time. We’ve learned so much that like we’ll be really good grandparents later on. We’ve learned like all the things not to do not to do well.
Adam Salgat 13:32
You haven’t freaked me out too much yet? No. I still have some years ahead of me to get there. Misty, would you take a moment and talk a little bit about your daughters. And tell me a bit on how you see them picking up the skills that you and your husband model.
Speaker 2 13:50
So my husband was actually a lucky participant in one of our committed relationship focused classes. So we are very, very lucky that we get to practice these skills together as a family. I remember really early on it was probably back about four years ago now. And we are sitting around the kitchen table as we do every night for dinner. And as we’re talking about her day, Zoey goes, Hey, Mom, tell me more about that. And I was like, oh, wait a minute. It’s working. Like I’m not telling her how to do these skills. But she knows. And it was later a little bit later after dinner and I said, Hey, Zoey, why did you ask me that question? Kind of just curious to like her thinking behind it. And she really is. She said to me in that moment, Mom, I just wanted to know more about you and feel more connected to your day. And I thought, oh my gosh, look at that just role modeling the skills not even telling her the intent behind it. They pick it up. And she says she’s able to do that with her friends. Now she can tell when her friends are sad and she’s able to use just that one line to help know more about what’s going on with them. So I think that’s
Speaker 3 14:55
pretty great. That’s remarkable that she’s also like learning at using it with you, but then transferring it to then her friends in school and sports and whatever else that she participates in. Well, you know, we go through all this stuff, especially with our kids that they’re very quick to judge, right. We as humans are very quick to judge and right. When we judge something, we justify our judgments. And just Zoey been able to pick that up to say, tell me more and be more into the presence to recognize people’s emotions. That’s awesome. What does she nine? Is that right?
Unknown Speaker 15:32
She is now? Yeah, yeah. I
Speaker 3 15:33
mean, that’s incredible. Like, that’s a huge step in the future for her to be able to really kind of support and work through those situations that life throws at us each and every single day. So I’m super excited to hear about that. Do you have other examples of where your your kids maybe maybe they like don’t pick up on a good piece you did. But maybe they catch you on something was of use to you doing? Well, but maybe you just had one of those moments Misty?
Speaker 2 15:59
Yeah. So a couple of the items that really do well, so my oldest daughter, Parker, she’s 14, now, we’ve worked through the effective confrontation and how to build the FBI message. And she utilizes that. And she says, it just brings her such comfort, to know that she has the words, there’s not nothing loaded in what she’s going to deliver, it has just made confrontations so much easier for her. So I love that piece of it. And the other thing that I work with through them all the time is the three moves. So no matter what the situation is, you always have three moves, right? You can accept, you can ask for change, or you can adjust the circumstances. And really early on, we’d always put them on sticky notes and be like, Okay, here’s your three sticky notes, what’s the situation? And then we’d like lay the sticky note down and talk through, like, if you were to accept that, what would that look like? Okay, so how could you adjust the circumstances if you’re not ready to confront the person right now. And that’s been really beneficial to me, especially as Parker’s getting older, because then I don’t need to always be there and helping her with it. The piece that I mess up on is judgment, I try to pause. But sometimes the judgment just like creeps it over my face. And so that’s the one especially Parker will be like, okay, man, I’m not judging today, hmm. And I still struggle, I will continue to work out and get better. But the struggle,
Speaker 3 17:24
you know, I think that’s a really powerful thing for us to be able to do though, as parents and as adults is to be able to admit, like, hey, you know, what, you’re right, I did judge or I did do this, or I did do that. Because it shows the, you know, it shows our little ones, or future future leaders of the world that we are human, and we mess up, and it’s going to happen, but it’s what we do in the moment when we we aren’t our best selves, you know, and how we kind of react to that. So I think there’s probably a massive learning piece for that as well to to kind of role model for them to kind of see that, we’re gonna go back to like the three moves thing, because I think that’s really cool how you not only just teach your kids, like, here’s your three choices, right? You have your three moves to choose from, but you go into great detail on what those three would look like, in the moment with the situation that they have. Do you see your daughter’s now being able to use different scenarios and be able to plug their choices in? And the reason why,
Speaker 2 18:26
yes, definitely. Parker, still with Zoey, we kind of walk through those a little bit more and even expanding, I’m like, Okay, if you do choose that, what does that look like? And is that? Okay? So again, just using more of that judgment, and would you be accepted? Can you accept the outcome of that, even if it was a negative? Or is it really that bad? Are you blowing that this situation up? In your mind? Is it really as bad as your thinking is, and I think that’s really, really helped to take out some of the anxiety around some situations that she’s had to deal with.
Speaker 3 19:05
That’s such a big piece, you know, education, they call it social, emotional learning. Of course, when we’re adults, we call it emotional intelligence. But really trying to be able to value and look at the situation to make the best guest decision we can to kind of go forward in whatever situation that may come our way. So I love the opportunity of how you kind of explain that for parents out there too, to say hey, like, here’s some options, you can kind of work with your kids. I know that the field of education and even back in the days when I was coaching different sports, oftentimes see parents tell their kids exactly what they need to do, but there was no basis behind it just like go do data dot and oftentimes it came with that judgment piece behind the parent and so they were kind of learning something. That wasn’t the best skill. All, but if they kind of learn how to do the three moves, it gives them so much more opportunity to really build insecure relationships form leadership roles, I mean, all those things that are going to be so critically important for them to secure employment later when they get in life, but also just to be a good person, right?
Speaker 2 20:18
Wait, weigh the options that are in front of you and be able to do that critical thinking when they’re away from us as parents.
Speaker 3 20:26
We always say that we want, we don’t want our girls to eat ramen noodles in our basement when they’re like 40. We want to eat ramen noodles in their basement when they’re 40. So I think like, that’s a big part of it, though, is just kind of learning to surface and work through work with people is a big piece.
Adam Salgat 20:44
And it’s a pretty cool visual to keep in mind there, Mike about you eating some ramen noodles in the basement. I do want to say, Mike asked me a few podcasts ago, what I would say to my 10th grade self, you know, what would I say to my teenage self, essentially. And the thing I mentioned was FBI the ability to confront and it sounds like, you know, teaching a skill like that to someone in their youth is it sounds like it’s benefiting your daughter? I think it could benefit many. Can you touch on that a little bit more on how you think that’s really helping her?
Speaker 2 21:20
I do. And it’s not even FBI just in confrontation, it’s FBI as we give personal feedback to individuals too. So I had the opportunity to coach girls soccer with my husband and his assistant coach and we coach has always been so nine year old now. But it started back when they were four years old. And I love FBI, it really shows the impact to the child that they’re making. And so that’s so important to whether that’s the negative or the positive, we’re helping them develop the skills then based upon that. So I really would HIGHLY emphasize not just negative throw in the positive too, because that’s really the perfect ingredients to help with behavior and making great choices.
Adam Salgat 22:07
Awesome, awesome.
Speaker 3 22:08
So missing, like thinking about the soccer team, you and your husband coach, thinking about the power that FBIs with positives or negatives. Can you give me an example of like a positive FBI, maybe you’ve either given your daughter or one of the other kids? Yes,
Speaker 2 22:24
I remember last season with Zoey, we’re really working on ball control. And so I came up to her after a game and I just said, No, I am so proud of you. All of that hard work that you’ve been doing with your ball control. And we were we call them fancy feet where she cuts one way and goes the next. That really came out today. And you were able to or that final goal for the team. And just so proud of the hard work that you’ve been putting in. Yeah, it was just such a great, great experience with her.
Speaker 3 22:58
It’s kind of interesting how you built the FBI out, it really talked. So when we talk FBI, first of all feelings, behavior and impact, really hitting hard on that impact of what it means either for Zoey or the other players or the environment and are all combined at one time. What do you think the differences when Zoey or any of the other kiddos really hear what that impact is for what they did and how it was good?
Speaker 2 23:25
The biggest difference I’ve seen is it really like cement in their brain like I am good at that. And I remember her saying, Man, did you see that? Did you see what I’m doing? I can do it. And then she was even helping, like, nudge on the other players and help with it. So just that positive feedback. They attach to it and it becomes part of who they are. And it’s great to be growing them in that way. Yeah. And
Speaker 3 23:51
I like how it’s not just a good job, you worked hard. But there is so much more into it because you get to show what your feelings are when she does something amazing, right? And then point out that specific specific behavior what she did, but then the true impact is just It’s remarkable of what kids will take and then do with that just like you said, and then helping out other kids and really realize that she’s good at that. And then she just continues to grow. And we need more of that just in every aspect of life. Right? And Facebook and social media kids, not kids adults, in a kind of den again takes away that judgment issue that we continue to have with folks, right.
Speaker 2 24:34
Yeah, I think the other thing that it does is when you list that impact for them, it actually solicits a feeling and the person receiving that message. And that feeling makes them remember even more than just kind of the hollow words of good job. That was great. High five,
Speaker 3 24:51
it really makes it impactful. And they’re able to kind of build on that behavior more to be even better at it, whatever, whatever it is, right so Oh, yeah, that’s really cool. For Adam, I want to ask Misty this question because Misty has held several different roles from like facilitator to taking time off her other job, taking vacation time to teach class, all the way up to a role in OCL. And then now as you know, one of the main people in OCR that’s making really good decisions and leaving a lot of folks to do wonderful things. What do you see for the future of OCL. So like, you can think a year out two years out, 150 years out, however, you kind of want to guide that misty,
Speaker 2 25:39
I love that with our community lessons, we’re now starting to shift our focus to partners. And partners are where we can bring together cohorts of people or groups of people. When we have groups of people that learn together, the skills can be cemented in us more frequently together, and it helps us learn and learn from each other better. So that’s super exciting. We’re working in communities. And with those, there’s the education space, we have military government will still have amazing community classes to in each of our regions. But it’s really exciting to have this holistic approach now, where individuals really get to work on skills together, and have that lasting impact.
Speaker 3 26:30
Yeah, it’s kind of exciting to see, or to think about what partners might come around the band in the future years, because we kind of serve a lot of different organizations and agencies. And it’s exciting to be able to grow inside of those, because everyone’s different, even if they are the same type of quote, unquote, nonprofit, they all come with their unique blend from wherever their location is,
Speaker 2 26:56
right. And I think the really exciting thing about that is, is we’re working with partners, we’re also working on through a specific lens of committed relationships, and parenting, with all of the skills most people go home and try it their first, if they’re successful, then we can bring them into our work lives, right? Because we can kind of make mistakes or learn them a little bit easier with our family, because we love and have that trust so much with them. And then they spill over into our work environments. Once we know that we they work and we’re good at them. So again, that holistic approach with looking at committed relationships, how you’re working with your child, and then let’s bring it into your work life too.
Speaker 3 27:39
So I think this is a great time for a plug for our commitment relationships and our parent roundtables. Do you want to speak a little bit about the commitment relationships and what specifically, we as OCL are doing and then as well as the parent roundtables, because we’ve seen some huge growth in that market in the last six months.
Speaker 2 27:59
Yeah, so we do have a committed relationship focused three day course that we offer. And so with that class, we run two classes at the same time, you are in one class, your significant other isn’t in another so you can have your own learning environments, but then be able to go home at night and practice the skills together. So that’s really exciting to be able to offer beyond that currently, we have monthly webinars and connect sessions where the webinar you are learning the skills or refreshing the skills that Connect session is where you come in, you learn and have hands on kind of coaching with that facilitator in the call, you talk about what’s going right, what’s not going right, how can you change that. And that’s really, really fun to see the growth and be like, Oh, I didn’t get that initially. But I totally see that now and hear and learn through other people’s story with our parenting is our parenting roundtables. And the format for this is as you sign up for a roundtable, you will receive two emails, they’re a week apart, the first one will be a recorded session where you learn a skill, then you a week later you receive another email with a 20 minute segment, expanding on that skill a little bit further. And then you come back the following week together and have that connection time again to learn together.
Adam Salgat 29:20
I’d like to kind of give a testimonial and you know, I suppose anyone listening shouldn’t be surprised that I’m going to speak glowingly of the our community listens, correct curriculum. But I’m in my late 30s. And, you know, we have a lot of friends right in that same kind of age range. And we’ve had a handful of those couples have issues in the last, you know, couple years, let’s say, you know, a couple of them leading to divorce and the other ones, you know, having some communication issues. And I thought to myself, What about Becky and I is different. And while I’ve heard people say things like oh Ciel saved my marriage, it made me wonder, it’s not that OCL is saving my marriage or saved my marriage, because we’re certainly not in that space. But I do think and I came to the conclusion that I believe OCL is feeding our marriage, it is giving us the same kind of level playing field to talk to each other, it’s giving us the opportunity to connect at a level that I don’t know for sure had, that we ever would have got to. And I’m not trying to say that the friends I know, had they been through the course wouldn’t still end up on the same path. It’s not to say that about them, it’s just to say that I’m thankful that we had the opportunity a few years ago, both of us to go through it at different times and kind of learn from it and connect now. And we can talk about it in an open space. And I think our communication is pretty good. And I put a put a chunk of that on the idea that we have been through this together. So there’s my little testimonial for committed, committed relationships everyone should jump into.
Speaker 3 31:02
Yeah, I think you know, it’s so interesting. We say this all the time in class, and we say, we’ve said on podcast, webinars, anything that we have is the communication is very, in the focus is it’s a hard skill, all the skills are hard skills, we’re not just born with that, right. And as we develop over time, it’s not just assume that we’ve listened well, or that we speak well, or we understand our body language, all those pieces that kind of come through with that. And so even just have an opportunity to go through a course you start to learn how hard some of these skills are. But the importance of being able to use them well, is critical just in the relationship piece. So people don’t misunderstand our communicate. I think a lot of that happens when we don’t know how to communicate at our best. And that goes for kids and adults and everyone else that we kind of see that. So I love that you and your wife had an opportunity to go through the class Adam and kind of speak to that. I’m really excited about the committed relationships. And the parent roundtable piece that we’re having seen a lot of parents come through and just interested in learning skills, and then having the opportunity to sit like, I guess, at a virtual roundtable nowadays, but to say, hey, you know what, like, this doesn’t go so well, if my kid and other parents. Oh, you know, I’ve had that problem too, because it doesn’t come with a playbook of how to be apparent. Right, we have to kind of figure those things out on our own. But sometimes it’s nice to hear that while we work through those skills, to understand that sometimes they aren’t always as easy as we might think. We have to continue to develop and build that. So super neat to see how many people are signing up for those particular classes.
Speaker 2 32:47
I also love how the skills, they’re the same set of skills, and you can use them with your kids with your significant other or in work, also how they have evolved also. So in the beginning, when they were littler, I was using some of the logic and emotion as they were throwing temper tantrums. But now it’s moving into more of the empathy and perspective taking. So no matter where I am at in life, there’s a certain skill that’s bubbling to the surface that I use more than others. And just seeing that evolvement over time has been really in your practice more.
Adam Salgat 33:23
I sounds like you’ve had different skills be beneficial for you and your family at different times, then
Speaker 2 33:29
definitely, I can look back at the different stages of my children’s lives of the stages of marriage event and seeing how that changes.
Adam Salgat 33:39
Mike and Misty, I do have a question kind of circling back to this idea of March being women’s histories month. If you could go back in time and give the gift of the three day class to any historical female? Who would you give it to? Let’s start with you Misty, ladies first.
Speaker 2 33:55
Thanks, Adam. I think I would have to say mothers with teenagers and i You’ve heard a lot about my family and how the skills have helped with every age that my daughters have gone through, but I really have found them so valuable. And they really fixed my relationship with my daughter. I felt like I was on a different trajectory. When I first took this class, I just saw as butting heads all of the time her trying to find her independence and me being very strong willed to like it was just fight and fight and disagreement after disagreement. Because of these skills. I now have a very close relationship with my daughter, and she tells me everything that’s going on in her life. Well, maybe not everything but a lot more than she would have ever told me before because I’ve seen how she’s closing off some other relationships that aren’t using the skills. So just because it’s been so impactful for me there. I would like to give that gift to other mothers who Teachers,
Adam Salgat 35:01
that sounds like a good plan. Like what about you a specific someone or kind of a group of people like Misty brought up?
Speaker 3 35:08
Well, I’m gonna think of a specific someone, although I won’t call her historical even though she is a lot older than me would be my oldest sister, Katie. The reason is, is she was kind of the second mom, just like you and my mom worked full time. And you know, she was always around and very much involved in our lives. But my sister was kind of my second mom, when I would come home, she’d be the one that would be babysit me and taking care of me and making sure I’d like peanut butter and jelly and you know, Cheetos snack after school, I watch cartoons. But she was very, very involved in just my life in general. And she could definitely be the the authoritarian when she needed to, to kind of put me back into my place when I was being that little rambunctious kid. But one of the things that she was very gifted at was like, helping me in school, because I struggled immensely with school. And she was so patient, and so kind. She has a lot of these skills, but I think like, have seen her go through a class would be so cool, because I think it would like tip her hat to say, wow, I’ve done a lot of these things so well, but then also just learned some things that she continue to grow it and I think she’ll just embrace it and move forward even faster than she’s already got a lot of skills.
Adam Salgat 36:30
What a beautiful take on that. Because she certainly could have heard her name come up and said, well, What’s he trying to say here, but I see what you’re trying to say. And it makes it makes a lot of sense that she’s already embodying she already embodies a lot of those skills. And this would only amplify that. So as we continue to wrap up the podcast here, we always touch on our key takeaways. I’m going to go quickly on this because I have a really quick key takeaway it is Get ready. That is my key takeaway. There’s plenty of little things that my way as my five, two and six month olds get older, so that is quick and simple. Mike, why don’t you go first on this one.
Speaker 3 37:12
So I might say you’re never ready. But honestly, I think it kind of circles back to when we’re listening really well. Be aware that you’re going to be told things that you’re not ready for or you don’t think you’re ready for. That’s not a bad thing. That’s actually a really good sign that your kids are willing to tell you a lot of stuff and that the trust and love and comfort and empathy. And all those important things in relationship are truly their mistake.
Speaker 2 37:43
I think my key takeaway is just keep trying, you’re gonna mess up. And it’ll be messy. Sometimes I’ll even say Yeah, Mom, you’re not doing that very well. But just keep practicing, it gets easier. The more you do it, you’ll realize soon as it comes out of your mouth that you’ve just said the wrong thing. But even in those moments, those are learning moments. And you can say, You know what, I’m sorry, I just did that wrong. Can I try again. And in those moments, your kids see that even you make mistakes, and they learn from that too and they learn how to recover them from mistakes gracefully hopefully. So just keep practicing.
Adam Salgat 38:21
Well that those are both great, great pieces of advice and like to thank you both for joining us today. Mike, get ready down there. I think your dust storm gonna settle down sooner or later. I saw your Facebook post so in Misty, enjoy your vacation with your daughter this next week. I hope you get to go on that hot air balloon read.
Unknown Speaker 38:43
Thank you so much for having me on today. It was a pleasure.
Adam Salgat 38:46
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