Some skills are worth revisiting, especially when they help us navigate the moments we’d rather avoid.
In this episode, we continue the Replay & Retool series and help alumni revisit core concepts from our foundational class, Our Community Listens.
We’re revisiting a conversation with facilitator and Director of Learning Solutions & Program Optimization, Kat Edmondson, as we explore Effective Confrontation through the lens of The Three Moves, a skill that requires courage and helps us navigate frustration, disappointment, and relationship challenges with greater intention.
This episode explores how accepting the behavior, adjusting the circumstances, or asking for change can help us respond more clearly while preserving trust and connection.
New Tools — Beyond the Class Toolkit: Effective Confrontation (PDF)
This downloadable toolkit helps turn awareness into intentional action. Inside, you’ll find:
- An Effective Confrontation Self‑Reflection focused on applying the Three Moves
- A Guided Team Conversation Outline — a simple 5–10‑minute structure for discussing Effective Confrontation as a team
- Reflection prompts focused on accountability, communication, and relationship-building
Use the toolkit on your own or bring it to your team, as it is designed to fit wherever thoughtful communication matters.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD
CHAPTER MARKERS
1 – Replay & Retool: Series Introduction, New Effective Confrontation Toolkit, & Episode Setup
2 – The Train Story: Introducing The Three Moves – [02:14]
3 – Move One: Acceptance & the Danger of False Acceptance – [06:05]
4 – Move Two: Adjusting the Circumstances – [10:09]
5 – Move Three: Effective Confrontation & Why We Avoid It – [14:20]
6 – Reframing Confrontation as Conversation – [16:21]
7 – The Three Moves Recap & Introduction to the FBI Formula – [17:31]
8 – New Tools & Takeaways: The Effective Confrontation Toolkit – [19:43]
LEVEL UP OPPORTUNITY
Think about a situation that has been bothering you recently.
This week, identify which of the Three Moves you’re currently using:
- Are you genuinely accepting the behavior?
- Are you adjusting circumstances?
- Or are you asking for a change?
If you feel stuck, consider trying a different move.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
- When someone or something is bothering us, we always have three moves available
- Lingering emotions, frustration, and passive aggression can be signs of false acceptance
- Effective confrontation is not about conflict — it’s about creating clarity, understanding, and healthier relationships
RELATED RESOURCES
- Beyond the Class — Episode 101 – https://www.chapmancommunities.org/pod-101/
- BTC‑TOOLKIT: Effective Confrontation (PDF) – https://reg.learningstream.com/reg/event_page.aspx?ek=0063-0031-558c7cd0fd5348e493548ef8264bfb86
- BTC‑TOOLKIT: DISC (PDF) – https://reg.learningstream.com/reg/event_page.aspx?ek=0063-0031-33983d6a6fa8440587ca6d92d09185f4
- BTC‑TOOLKIT: Nonverbals (PDF) – https://reg.learningstream.com/reg/event_page.aspx?ek=0063-0031-8bb86b2162014e2eb64e906b4ed6aeea
- CFCC Lead App
As you listen, consider which of the six Caring Workplace culture strategies is most developed in your organization and which one presents the greatest opportunity for growth.
What intentional action could you take this week to strengthen trust, appreciation, accountability, meaningful work, intentional connection, or learning?
AI-generated dictation of the podcast audio
Please note that this transcription was completed using AI software. Occasionally, unanticipated grammatical, syntax, homophones, and other interpretive errors are inadvertently transcribed by the software. Please excuse any errors that have escaped final proofreading.
Adam Salgat 00:10
Hello and welcome to Beyond the Class: From Knowledge to Action, the audio cast that helps Chapman Foundation alumni turn skills into practical, intentional actions for everyday life. I’m your host Adam Salgat. Today’s episode is another replay and retool. These episodes help bring core skills from our community listens back to the surface to keep these skills active and relevant. We’re also introducing another Beyond the Class toolkit on one of the most important skills we teach: effective confrontation. No matter the challenge you are navigating, this resource is designed to help you move from avoidance to action while preserving trust and connection. You will hear more about that toolkit at the end of today’s episode.
Adam Salgat 0:56
All right, let’s step into today’s replay and retool. In this episode, we’re revisiting a conversation with facilitator and director of learning solutions and program optimization, Kat Edmondson. Together, we explore effective confrontation, a high-impact skill from our community listens that requires courage, self-awareness, and willingness to choose one of the three moves when someone or something is bothering us.
Unknown Speaker 1:27
Before we jump into the archive conversation, here are a few things to listen for. First, listen for the distinction between true acceptance and false acceptance.
Unknown Speaker 1:39
Second, pay attention to how changing the circumstances can sometimes solve a problem without requiring a difficult conversation.
Unknown Speaker 1:48
And finally, notice how effective confrontation is reframed as an opportunity for clarity, respect, and relationship building.
Unknown Speaker 1:58
Stick with us through the end, and we’ll share a practical tip and introduce the new Beyond the Class toolkit: effective confrontation.
Unknown Speaker 2:07
All right, let’s step back into the original conversation.
Unknown Speaker 2:14
Picture this:
Unknown Speaker 2:16
you’re heading into a train station with your friend to catch a four-hour train ride for a fun weekend away. You’re a traveler who likes to be prepared, so you’ve intentionally planned to arrive at the station 10 minutes before the train departs to have time to choose your seat, get settled, get your bags ready, get your snacks ready, and ease any travel concerns. You get to the station,
Unknown Speaker 2:39
and as you go to the track. Your friend says she wants to go into CVS to buy a snack. You say, “Okay, I’ll wait for you out here,” because you want to get on the train at the same time because you don’t have assigned seats and you want to make sure that you sit together. She goes into the store, and you immediately get anxious. A minute passes,
Unknown Speaker 3:00
then three.
Unknown Speaker 3:02
You keep checking your watch.
Unknown Speaker 3:04
Six minutes until the train leaves. Your mind starts to spiral. She’s been gone for ages. You’ll be so annoyed if you miss this train because she went in to get a snack from the store. You check again, and you know the train is going to leave in five minutes. Five minutes. Finally, you see her emerge from the store, and she tells you there were so many options. I just couldn’t decide which one to pick.
Unknown Speaker 3:30
Thankfully, you made the train, and you used the first 20 minutes of the ride to bring your heart rate back down.
Unknown Speaker 3:38
In this episode today, we’re going to discuss our three moves when someone or something is bothering you.
Unknown Speaker 3:54
Welcome to the podcast. I’d like to welcome in Kat Edmondson, the Chapman Foundation Director of Content and Systems, and also facilitator. How have you been, Kat? Hi, Adam. I’ve been doing well. Happy to be here. How are you? I’m good. I’m glad to have you on the podcast. And I’m curious, did that opening scenario sound familiar to you at all? A little bit. Yes. Thank you for reliving that for me. That opening scenario was from one of my most recent blog posts about mastering the art of confrontation,
Unknown Speaker 4:27
and yes, was very much a recent experience that I’ve had.
Unknown Speaker 4:31
Yeah, I could tell when I read through it that there was a lot of emotion. You know, I tried to bring that out, but what were you going through? You definitely brought it out. Yeah, I was. I remember feeling a little
Unknown Speaker 4:44
anxious and a little frustrated in that moment because I was so
Unknown Speaker 4:49
ready to get on the train and had planned and prepared, and then things didn’t necessarily go exactly according to my plan. So, was definitely a little a little nervous in that situation.
Unknown Speaker 4:59
Well.
Unknown Speaker 5:00
So I’m not gonna say I’m glad that that happened to you, but I am happy that we get to analyze it on this podcast. So hopefully, everyone has an opportunity to go through and learn, relearn these three moves when we are bugged. So it sounds like this was a great opportunity for you to practice your skills that you learned in the our community lessons course. Yes, absolutely, and I love how you kind of said that we get to go back and analyze because I did a lot of kind of analyzing post the moment about the different ways that I could have responded to that situation. But you’re absolutely right. I was grateful that I had these three moves to kind of think through, and as we talk about in our community listens, we know that when someone does something that bothers us that bugs us, we always have three moves. We have three kind of choices on how we can respond,
Unknown Speaker 5:53
and those three moves are accepting the behavior, right? I can choose to accept it, adjusting your circumstances, or leading into effective confrontation and delivering a confrontation message.
Unknown Speaker 6:05
When we think about that first one of accepting the behavior, right? Kind of thinking about what is it that this person is doing, and can I fully accept it? Can I understand why they’re doing it? What their perspective might be? Kind of what’s driving that behavior? But we have to be wary of false acceptance when we’re thinking about accepting someone’s behavior. What do you think about? Have you experienced false acceptance before, Adam? Yeah, I was going to ask you about what what false acceptance general thought on that for you.
Unknown Speaker 6:34
I know that I am falsely accepting something when I tell myself, “Okay, yep, I get it. I can understand. Can accept why they’re behaving this way, and then I’m still tempted after to call my sister and say,
Kat Edmondson 6:47
“I cannot believe that this happened,” or “Will you listen to this? Can you believe this?” Right. So if I’m still bothered by something after I’ve said that I can accept it or that it’s fine, pretty good indicator that it’s some false acceptance. I appreciate you sharing that. I’m I’m similar in that way. I’ll share a really quick story that if I had a friend who I loaned some money to one time, and we went out to eat about a week or two after, and I hadn’t seen any of that money come back, and it wasn’t vital to get it back at a certain time frame for me. But
Unknown Speaker 7:19
I had told him at that time it was totally fine. When he when he has it, pay me back. Well, we went out to eat, and then I see him spending what I consider things that aren’t inside my values,
Unknown Speaker 7:31
like extra an extra drink, extra dessert, and then lotto tickets, which is just so far from like my next my behavior of where I would spend money. And so for me,
Unknown Speaker 7:42
I did not accept this behavior well, and I became passive aggressive. So I know, like you mentioned, you might call your sister because it’s still on your mind.
Unknown Speaker 7:53
I know that if I start getting passive aggressive, even with
Unknown Speaker 7:59
someone who I really care about, I know that there’s something still bothering me in the back of my head. That there’s still an issue that I’m not directly either confronting with myself, maybe first, or directly confronting with that person. So, those are kind of my my my traits that I know come out.
Unknown Speaker 8:21
Oh, that’s a great example, Adam. And it’s great that you’re kind of aware of that. These are the emotions that I’m still feeling. Still being aware, it can still happen. Oh, for sure.
Unknown Speaker 8:32
Oh, yeah. You can you can have all the awareness in the world, but you’re still going to have those emotions, right? And they’re going to manifest and show themselves. And for in your case, passive aggressiveness. Yeah, even having that awareness of those emotions is something that I can struggle with sometimes, and it’s something we talk about in our community serves our second foundational course from the Chapman Foundation. And I’ll never forget going through the activity where we have to list out all the emotions that we’ve felt, and then kind of do some digging deeper and realizing just how difficult it can be sometimes for me to even identify what those emotions are.
Unknown Speaker 9:09
And I definitely
Unknown Speaker 9:11
realized that I was doing some false accepting in this situation because I still had lingering emotions and was still kind of bothered by the behavior.
Unknown Speaker 9:19
Yeah, I think you mentioned in your blog that even a week later you were a little annoyed by it. So I’m curious, you know, why do you think that is? Is this a friend that you like to travel with often? Is that something that’s you know someone you like to spend time with? But this behavior really kind of still,
Unknown Speaker 9:34
I guess, irking you as time had gone on. Yeah, yeah, and we don’t even necessarily travel often together. I still would like to, but she’s one of my closest friends who I spend a lot of time with, and I love her. I love her dearly, and so as I was continuing to spend time with her, I could notice that I was still in the back of my head, kind of replaying that scenario, or that other things would still, like you said, kind of irk me, and so it kind of indicated to me, all right.
Unknown Speaker 10:00
We did some false accepting here. We might need to consider one of the other moves because I’m still bugged and I still have those three choices or those three moves.
Unknown Speaker 10:09
So, what would be
Unknown Speaker 10:11
like a second move that’s still within your control?
Unknown Speaker 10:15
So, we talked about the acceptance, right? That doesn’t work. The next move that we can consider that I considered was maybe adjusting the circumstances,
Unknown Speaker 10:23
and so kind of when we talk about adjusting the circumstances, removing
Unknown Speaker 10:29
the thing, the behavior, the situation that bothers us.
Unknown Speaker 10:34
What’s an example of like a behavior, something? You know, let’s take a step away from your traveling with your friend scenario, yeah. And just talk about a an example where maybe that choice works to change the situation. You have control over something. What’s an example? Something like that. One
Unknown Speaker 10:53
thing I think about often when I’m collaborating with somebody at work, if I’m emailing with them and we’re just not
Unknown Speaker 11:00
kind of on the same page, or it seems like we’re kind of disconnecting, or I’m maybe assigning tone to email, and it’s just not flowing the way that I want to. One easy way to adjust that circumstance is just to pick up the phone and call them, right? Let me adjust the way that we’re communicating right now.
Unknown Speaker 11:18
Message them on Teams, see if they’re free. Hey, can we can we chat for a minute, right? And almost nine times out of 10, that simple adjustment is enough to be able to kind of change the way that that conversation was going and kind of lead us in a more productive direction.
Unknown Speaker 11:33
Really, really love that reminder, and my favorite part of it is talking about adjustment of how you’re communicating. So you’re choosing to step out of the email space and into a more personal space where we’re able to deliver our nonverbals more so, right? Yeah, and that you know, in past podcasts with Leanne just recently, we talked a lot about how nonverbals are a large part of our communication and a large part of our message, and be the opportunity to start incorporating some of those, like so you made the choice in that case to
Unknown Speaker 12:07
adjust the way you’re communicating, the behavior of which you’re utilizing, even
Unknown Speaker 12:12
the even the tool you’re utilizing to communicate. You’re from just written text, email to video, and maybe even in person if possible. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yes. Nine times out of 10, I feel like even that in-person communication would be better. But you’re exactly right. Kind of being able to loop in the tone, the nonverbals, all of those things just makes the communication flow a lot more easily.
Unknown Speaker 12:35
What about
Unknown Speaker 12:37
changing something physically? For example, like maybe a situation where you physically can change the situation.
Unknown Speaker 12:46
Oh yeah,
Unknown Speaker 12:47
I think about sometimes when I go to the movies or something, and I’m sitting next to someone, or someone sits down next to me or close to me, and they like have really loud popcorn or a really loud snack, or they just keep talking to the person that they’re sitting next to, I know that’s a big pet peeve of mine, and so that physical of just getting up and moving and changing seats so that I’m not close to them, right? Because in that moment, I know that I can’t accept it. I’ll be sitting there throughout the entire movie, annoyed with the noise that I hear,
Unknown Speaker 13:17
but it might not be something that I need to directly confront on. So, could just adjust the circumstances by changing where I am,
Unknown Speaker 13:23
right? Or just throwing, you know, M and M’s into the back of their head until
Unknown Speaker 13:28
why? No, I’d love for you to try that and let me know how it goes. That
Unknown Speaker 13:32
might lead to something that we’re going to talk about here in just a moment.
Unknown Speaker 13:37
Maybe that’s not the best piece. As
Unknown Speaker 13:41
you know, you look at those options, and we go back to your story of being with your friend, yeah, and wanting to continue to spend time with them. So, if you know that at this point it’s something you’ve struggled to accept, truly accept, so it’s potential move
Unknown Speaker 13:58
one. Now you talk about the potential second move, the two things that are kind of in your control, you know, changing behavior. So maybe it’s you spend less time with this person, but you know, in the end, you truly don’t want to. Right. You know, there are plenty of things that still continue to bring you joy about this person. Oh, absolutely.
Unknown Speaker 14:13
So what happens then if those two moves are not quite the right answer? What are we looking at
Unknown Speaker 14:20
then? Then we look at the third move, which is to confront, right? To lean into effective confrontation and to actually confront that person.
Unknown Speaker 14:28
Confront confrontation, yeah, kind of a big scary word for a lot of us out there. I’m one of them, to be honest. Much as I think I can
Unknown Speaker 14:37
talk to somebody when maybe I’m being bothered,
Unknown Speaker 14:41
it still is difficult because my natural behavioral tendency is to not disrupt the apple cart and to kind of keep peace and keep joy and just have have fun and and have a good time, right? Yeah. So I’m one even that you know struggles with that. What what are some reasons like when we go through the class? I know we talk a.
Unknown Speaker 15:00
A bit about this, but yeah, why do people seem to avoid confrontation?
Unknown Speaker 15:05
Thank you for sharing, Adam, because I don’t think you’re alone in that, and that’s how I have been for a long time too. Like very hesitant to confront. One of the reasons being not wanting to disrupt the peace, right? If we have harmony here, we kind of are used to people getting along. We don’t want to disrupt that. Sometimes we’re scared of what the outcome will be, and it might be a little bit unpredictable, and we don’t really know what’s going to happen if we do kind of
Unknown Speaker 15:29
I don’t know ruffle some feathers by having a conversation or confronting.
Unknown Speaker 15:34
I think also it can be a little bit scary when there’s not a lot of trust built within the organization or within the person relationship that you’re confronting. One of the ones that I’m very guilty of too
Unknown Speaker 15:45
is just this belief that it’ll get better on its own and it’ll fix itself and it’ll just go away, right? If I don’t, I don’t have to do anything. Time will heal, right? So there are a bunch of different reasons why we might be scared to confront.
Unknown Speaker 15:56
There is one that is listed in our workbook about anticipation of reprisal.
Unknown Speaker 16:02
Can you explain that?
Unknown Speaker 16:04
I might get in trouble if I do this,
Unknown Speaker 16:07
right? Or someone’s going to come back at me and say you shouldn’t have done that. Why did you confront them?
Unknown Speaker 16:13
Okay.
Unknown Speaker 16:16
As I said, you know, lots of people are worried about confrontation. Yeah. But
Unknown Speaker 16:21
tell me a little bit more about what confrontation truly is. Where are we going when we confront somebody? When we talk about confrontation in our community lessons, we’re really going to think about it as a conversation, right? Where it’s a chance for me, who’s the person who’s bugged or bothered, to give voice to that that reason why that behavior that’s bugging me simply by having a conversation with someone, not necessarily going in with a solution, not going in and kind of like attacking the other person for the reason why we’re bugged, but simply starting off with with a conversation.
Unknown Speaker 16:57
Sounds a little bit like then we need to maybe do some reframing, like mental reframing around what a confrontation is. Confrontation is really just a conversation.
Unknown Speaker 17:10
You know, we’re gonna we’re gonna get to like an opportunity to to start how to start that conversation. But I want to talk a little bit about what we’ve covered thus far,
Unknown Speaker 17:21
because if we can reframe that confrontation, then there’s a there’s a really great step that we’re going to talk about in a coming podcast that’s next. But
Unknown Speaker 17:31
let’s recap everything. So when we’re in a situation and someone or something is bugging us, bothering us, irking us, any adjective you want to drop in here,
Unknown Speaker 17:41
we have three moves. Two of those moves land in category of I can change. And Kat, can you remind us of what those are? Yeah, we can decide that. Yes, we can fully accept the behavior, or we may have to adjust the circumstances and kind of remove the thing that’s bothering us.
Unknown Speaker 17:58
And then the other move for those of us that are still working on those, and maybe they’re just not quite hitting, we can’t find the solution for that. It means we may need to confront, right? Yeah, and in the situation, instead of being the one to change, where the first two, right, you’re changing, you’re actually asking somebody else to change, right? You’re starting that conversation to ask them to change the behavior that they’ve been showing.
Unknown Speaker 18:22
Well, that’s that’s a that can be a big ask. Like stepping into that, it could be a a big ask to ask someone to change a behavior, right?
Unknown Speaker 18:31
If we come back full circle to you traveling with your friend, as you stated, you know you want to confront them. You know that you want to do it, but now what, right? So how do we confront in the most effective way possible?
Unknown Speaker 18:46
That’s where I got to lean on the FBI formula, which is kind of the the elements that go into the effective confrontation message. And Adam, I’m going to test your knowledge here from when you took class, maybe many years ago. But do you remember what that FBI stands for for the effective confrontation message, Federal Bureau.
Unknown Speaker 19:04
That’s exactly it. We bring in the FBI.
Unknown Speaker 19:08
They’ve got skills that I don’t have. No, I’m sorry. It truly is feeling behavior and impact. So working on what those are. That’s going to be our next podcast. Is a discussion around how to create an effective FBI statement. What do you look forward to it? Yeah. What do you think? Next next episode, we kind of continue to break this down. Yeah. Continue to talk about your train trip. You comfortable with that? I’m. That sounds good
Unknown Speaker 19:42
to me.
Unknown Speaker 19:43
Welcome back. One of the reasons this conversation continues to resonate is because every one of us encounters situations that bother us. The challenge when frustration, disappointment, and conflict appear is deciding what to do next. The three move.
Unknown Speaker 20:00
Provide a simple framework for navigating those moments with more intention. Today, we’re sharing a practical tip and a new resource designed to help you respond with that intention in mind when someone or something is bothering you.
Unknown Speaker 20:14
Our tip:
Unknown Speaker 20:16
beware of false acceptance and try to spot it early.
Unknown Speaker 20:21
Keeping this tip in mind helps you identify when you’ve told yourself you’ve accepted something, but your emotions tell a different story. So, if you find yourself replaying the situation,
Unknown Speaker 20:34
venting about it repeatedly,
Unknown Speaker 20:36
becoming passive aggressive,
Unknown Speaker 20:39
or feeling irritated days later when it crosses your mind, those might be signs that acceptance hasn’t actually happened.
Unknown Speaker 20:48
Rather than judging yourself for those actions, use them as information and consider a different move. So pause and ask yourself: Is there a circumstance I can adjust, or is it time for a confrontation message.
Unknown Speaker 21:02
Sometimes the breakthrough is realizing you’ve been using the wrong move.
Unknown Speaker 21:08
Next up, the Beyond the Class Toolkit Effective Confrontation, a downloadable PDF.
Unknown Speaker 21:15
To deepen this work, we’re excited to share the Beyond the Class Toolkit Effective Confrontation.
Unknown Speaker 21:21
This new resource is designed to help you apply the three moves in real situations and reflect on how you typically respond when conflict, frustration, or disappointment show up.
Unknown Speaker 21:34
Inside the toolkit, you’ll find a personal reflection, guided questions around acceptance, adjustment, and confrontation, and a ready-to-use team discussion guide designed to fit into a five to 10-minute meeting. This toolkit is designed to turn awareness into action. The link is available in the description of this episode. And don’t forget that the CFCC Leaves app also includes learning tools and quick reference resources to support your continued growth.
Unknown Speaker 22:04
Thank you for spending time with us and for your continued commitment and growing as communicators and leaders. We hope you feel refreshed, retooled, and ready for real-world action.
Unknown Speaker 22:17
Until next time, we’re inviting you to walk your path with intention, because you are the message. Take care, my friends.
